The Prince, the Pitt, and the Pants
by elfchicks
Summary: Hector isn't very bright, Paris reveals his true identity, Achilles is nutso, and Troy is being besieged by evil pants of Greece. Sound like a nightmare? It probably is...


**The Prince, the Pitt, and the Pants **

_James Norrington, Saraman, Christopher, & Lee _

"Eee hee!" said Hector, jumping onto his wooden hobbyhorse and riding to the front of the Trojan army.

"All my life—" he began.

"Prince Hector," said Tecton, "turn around!" Hector twisted his head around like a Great Horned Owl.

"Oh, there you are," he said. "All my life, I have lived by a code. And the code is simple: honor your pants, love your pants, and defend your pants. Pants are mothers to us all. Fight for pants!" Everyone was silent.

"What?" they all questioned. Hector simply donned his helmet and ran towards the beach.

"Oh, I get it," said Glaucous. "He wants us to follow him down to the beach so we can go make sand castles!"

"Ok, I'll get the shovel and bucket!" said Pitt (Achilles).

"I don't know if I can," said Paris. "My mommy doesn't like me running off without her permission."

A random Trojan peered very hard at him, as if he couldn't quite believe this coward was a prince. Then, something else captured his attention. It was Pitt carrying a plastic shovel and bucket that he had stolen from a little kid.

"How did he get here?" questioned the guard, pointing at Achilles.

"A Greek on the Trojan side!" said Hector. "What treason is this?"

"Get him!" ordered Lysander. "Charge!"

"You'd better run!" warned Pitt's cousin, Patroclus.

"Thanks!" said Achilles. "Now you tell me!" He scrambled into the dense oak forest and climbed a tree.

"They can't find me now!" he vaunted. "Muhahahaha!"

"Yes, they CAN!" said the tree. "Up here!" The Trojans were quickly on their way.

"You cannot run anywhere else, so you must surrender!" continued said tree.

"I can't," said Achilles. "I have to do this to impress buxom Briseis!" So the tree seized Pitt and hurled him towards the Trojan mob. The crowd surged forward, ranting and raving, and surrounded Achilles. Paris discreetly left the mob and approached the tree.

"Mara aure, Fangorn," he said. "Do you remember me? Treebeard hesitated and studied him with scrutiny.

"The face looks familiar," said the tree, "though I cannot seem to find a name to go with it."

"I am Legolas!" said Paris. "After Gimli knocked the crate of mithril on my head, I came back as (wouldn't you know it?) a coward named Paris.

"Now I remember," said Treebeard, cogitatively. "But we can mend that. It is a minute problem. Come with me, Legolas. We will change you back somehow."

"Me?" asked Paris fearfully. "Go into the woods? But the **monsters** will get me! AUUGHHHH!" So screaming, he scurried back to the protection of the city.

Meanwhile, back with the mob, Hector took a step out of the crowd to Achilles.

"For honor!" cried Achilles, leaping after Hector with a plastic shovel, utilizing the bucket as a shield best he could.

"Honor?" questioned Hector, and Achilles paused. "In a thousand years, the dust from our bones will be gone."

"Yes, prince," responded Achilles, "but our pants will remain."

"Uh-huh," said Hector, condescendingly. Without warning, he clubbed Achilles over the head with a truncheon. He then proceeded to rob the turnkey (Patroclus) and enter Achilles' clandestine lair, which was hidden under the sand, behind a door of stone. Rolling the bulky body of Achilles in front of him, he crossed the threshold of the den through a wicket, in case the main-door was booby-trapped. When he got inside Achilles' room, he saw a peculiar sight. Near two contiguous edges of the wall, he noticed an ornately jeweled diadem resting on a custom stanchion. He snatched the crown and ran. He got all the way to the impenetrable walls of Troy, where he noted the Trojan warriors playing poker. Hector gave a wry smile, placing the crown upon his head. Galloping over to the men on his hobbyhorse, he said:

"Why are you all sitting around here, you crazy cobs?" The Trojans concealed their cards behind their backs and grinned sheepishly.

"What have I told you?" continued Hector. "No poker when you're on duty!" The men scurried back to their posts.

"Where is Pitt?" inquired Lysander.

"I pushed him down the stairs of his lair," replied Hector. "Unfortunately for him, he fell prey to his own booby-traps. He is stuck in some honey at the bottom of the stairs."

"Is he now?" asked Achilles, seeming to appear out of nowhere. "You're a booby!"

Hector was aghast. "No, you're a booby!"

"You are!"

"No, you are!"

"Putrid pomegranate!"

"Sack of wine!"

"Basket of raspberries!"

"Crate of corn!" Everyone went silent. Hector stared hard at Achilles.

"Where did you get that armor?" he asked. "A toilet store?"

"Tom squash! Squash Tom!" returned Achilles.

"Hi, I'm Tom," announced Tom, a Greek spy.

"There's Tom!" yelled a random Trojan. "Squash Tom!" Hector shouldered a massive hay bale and lobbed it at Tom, squashing him beyond repair.

"It is Squash Tom," proclaimed Hector. Then, he leapt astride his hobbyhorse and galloped away, chasing after a gourd named "Leg-o-lamb" and a cucumber named "Ear-a-corn."

"Those pants down there need help!" called Hector. "Tecton, with me!" When the entourage from Troy approached the beach, Agamemnon and Briseis met them.

"Why comest thou against us, as though for war?" asked Agamemnon accusingly. He was dressed in an awful bathing suit that was only a teensy-weensy green strap that went around his waist. After the initial shock of seeing Agamemnon in this attire had subsided, Hector turned tail and fled back to Troy.

Hector soon realized that he had been locked outside of the Trojan gate. He was amazingly pallid. He was so irritated that he threw a brick up into the sky towards the top of the wall, hitting Achilles, who was for some reason riding a giant grizzly bear yelling, "Look everyone! I'm riding a brown tractor!"

Achilles fell off the wall, landing beside Hector. He created a 15-foot hole in the ground that resembled him in shape. Achilles spontaneously combusted into a million pieces as he hit.

"Ok," said Hector. He wondered why Achilles had been inside the seemingly impenetrable city.

The sentinels opened the large gate. Hector walked in, finding that Achilles had put all the untenanted furniture in Troy on all of the rooftops of the city.

Hector became pallid again and fainted. When he woke up, he found himself surrounded by dauntless and sagacious pants. The pants were striped and speckled with hearts and dotted with grotesque red spots. Some were immaculate, others, not so clean. But they were pants—not good pants of Troy, but evil pants of Greece. The pants grabbed Hector and tossed him into a tarn. The pool was pristine and cold, but proved far too cold for Hector.

"AHHHH!" he screamed. "Freezing!"

All at once, Priam emerged from the palace. He was disconsolate, and his unavailing lamentations filled the air.

"Hector!" he said, his sobs turning to anger.

"Why are you wasting your time at this worthless dissipation? After what the Pitt has done to the furniture of Troy!"

Hector crawled out of the water and climbed up the knoll towards the city of Troy. He escaped with his life, for the pants chased after him with pitchforks and torches until he was through the gates of Troy. Inside, he noticed that everyone was in repose. Hector was in solicitude, for it was not even naptime yet. Everyone was snoring louder than a herd of Opera singers.

"How irksome!" he said.

Hector was so annoyed by them that he went outside to play mini-golf with a checkers piece.

"FORE!" he yelled, as he hit Odysseus in the forehead with the checkerboard.

"Ahh! El lavaplatos y el fregadero!" cried Odysseus.

"Help! Achilles is stabbing me to death!" cried Paris/Sissy Boy. Hector just grabbed a chocolate chip chewy granola bar from his pocket and began eating.

"BURP!" Hector belched, creating a massive earthquake.

"You, my prince, are not as genteel as you say you are!" said Lysander.

"What?" asked Hector.

"Oh, never mind," replied Lysander.

"Who asked for me?" inquired Timon.

"AHHH! A merekat in Troy! Get him!" yelled Priam, chasing after him with a fork and knife.

Hector suddenly turned towards Tecton and Lysander and said in a deep, low voice:

"Hi, I'm Hank!" Hector walked up behind Tecton and gave him a super-duper-pants-over-the-head-wedgy.

"AHHHHHHHHH!" shrieked Tecton, running away.

"Now, why'd you do that, Hank?" asked Hector.

"Because he was looking at me funny," answered Hank/Hector.

"Tecton is my friend, you fruit loop!" replied Hector. Hector was so angered at Hank, he started smacking him. He was actually hitting himself, because Hank is the evil side of him. Hector and Hank got into a large boxing match. But when Hector realized that he was punching himself in the face, he grew angry with himself and punched himself even harder. Hank hit Hector so hard, he knocked himself out cold.

**Finis **


End file.
